All posts by camzwithlove

Self Inflicted bullet

How can you escape the bullet when you are the one holding the gun? How can you cry for help when all you do is beat yourself up? How can you survive when you don’t want to? I never needed to know the answers. I just leave it where it should be. Hide it somewhere. It will never found again. Lost with my nightmares and memories. Replaced by wisdom and prayers.

Lalaland

I watched Lalaland on its first day screening in the big screen. It made me curious that it is one hell of a recognized and rated film. I even said that I am going to watch it alone if no one wants to join me. But luckily someone is merciful enough to accompany me. The movie is great! Wola to 7 Golden Globes win for the love of owl. It is a typical love story with dreams,dance and romance. They have a good production. The vibe of the movie is like you were trapped in the 80’s movie with I phones in it,characters possess passion for the arts,music and theater to be exact. And a love story with a rightful and realistic ending. What will you chose? Your most chased dream or the love of your life? Me? I will always chose love. Always. 

Then. 

When someone asks to court me, I always say are you sure? You don’t know what you’re putting yourself into. He will usually insist. Then I will give him a chance. Then always prove me right in the end. That he can’t. They just can’t handle me and all my other personalities. I am possessive,brat,childish and attention seeker. One thing about me is I am not good at lying. I usually get caught when I tell lies so I prefer to tell the truth. You can read me like a bold times new roman. Thus, I hate lies. I always say that just say upright truth than to tell lies. I will give you my one hundred percent trust but once I caught you lying that will be the beginning of your misery. I will become suspicious,insecure, demanding and everything that you don’t want me to be. I am strangely random girl who will crack fights in the middle of the street and kiss you sorrys the minute after. I am lunatic. Like my sister Tay used to describe herself,”Cause baby,I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” So darling,save yourself. Save yourself from me. 

Here we go again

2016 was a roller coaster ride for me. It tricked me to become a person who is wiser,tougher and stronger. It made me realized I have to be lost to be found again. Then it just hit me,I am strong when I thought I was weak. All I had to do was look back when I was happier and believe that I can go back there. And I did. I am here. Always finding a reason to smile,to laugh and to love. Smallest things make me happy. Tiniest achievements make me proud. I have people who cares and loves me for who I am. Slowly I am keeping my pace again,finding my happiness with me,enjoying every breath of this so called life. 

Thought 01

You act as if you don’t know me. You act as if we are enemies. I am stupid to feel this way when the only thing I want is to be okay. I know you want your freedom which you have now. Like you always say you wanted it. You grasp for fresh air. Something new. Something that would excite you. It’s like you saying that you just didn’t find yourself happy with me anymore. I am glad you figure it all out. Because I feel empty too. A relationship that is full of broken promises,lies and betrayal was really not worth crying for. Wasting precious time on things that eventually would
tear you apart will just destroy everything that is good and valuable in you. I believe that whatever your real reason is,you are happy you made free from me. Eventually I will be too. I will thank you for giving up on me. I will thank you for not loving me. Because firing me to a job that I know I am good at is the most stupid decision you did in your life. I am good at loving people. Stop saying sorry. Feel sorry for yourself.

ACCEPTANCE

He likes her enough to lie to me constantly.

Enough to hurt me.

Enough to leave me.

I know the answers to my questions…

…but all I want is for him to admit it.

He never did.

He never said sorry for that.

He lied.

His feelings must be so strong for her that he can do anything just make her feel special.

Even if that includes hurting me.

That must be love.

That’s how I realized that I have to let go.

He loves her.

I can’t do anything about it. I have to accept that somebody owns his heart. I am ready to accept it now.

It is hard.

But I have to.