All posts by camzwithlove

maybe.

Maybe. Maybe love is really uncertain. Maybe like life, it’s just a river flows freely. Maybe we can’t buy an insurance for it. Maybe love can not have assurance at all. Maybe it goes in and out of someones life like wind splash in your face. There is no exact timeline or pattern for love to follow through. Maybe it just goes with the lovers’ decision.

How I wish it can be infinite as the sky. How I wish it can be sure as where the sun rises up in the morning. How I wish I can read it as my favorite fairy tale. How I wish it can as honest as an innocent child. How I wish it can speak as sweet as my favorite song. How I wish love can always be fair.

Maybe yes or maybe not.

Advertisements

Things I did in my battle with Depression

There is a big fuss about Depression nowadays because of a Netflix series. Let me share some things about my experience on how I dealt with the depression I had for months. I am a typical happy person. I deal with problems with confidence and bravery. My perspective about depression was like something like of sad emotion which is to be ignored and to be fight upon. I didn’t imagine myself going through it because I know I handle my feelings well. But when the time it hit me, I couldn’t find a way out. It felt like hell, an exact opposite of happiness. Rejection was the reason of my depression. It made me discover that was my greatest fear. It started with denial. I remember myself thinking that everything will be okay, saying that I am at a normal phase. It’s just part of the moving on process. But the loneliness didn’t stop for weeks as well as my tears. Depression is feeling unworthy of everything, it felt like you are no good for anything, no one truly loves you and you don’t have any value. It will make you question your choices in the past and future. Everything seems empty and blurry. It is tiring both physically and emotionally. I had anxiety attacks wherein I just cry wherever or whenever. I wanted to scream because I felt like I needed to release the things in my head. I wanted someone to talk all the time. You must know that my work require concentration and silence. All I thought at that time were the why and what ifs that led me to that situation. I couldn’t control my own thoughts. Whenever I tried to shift my thoughts it just led me to that dead end thing. I totally lost my appetite on food, on things I do best and on living. It was scary.

I discovered a lot about myself and the people around me, the strong ones, fake people and mere bystanders. I discovered that’s how just life goes. Ups and down. I started coping with depression when I tighten my grip to the Cross. I started worshipping and praising God above all else, believing that I can win any battle since I have with me the Maker of the Moon and the Stars. The King of Kings. The Way, the Truth and The Life. I realized that He carried me. He is there with me in agony. I prayed and prayed while crying. I even recited all the prayers I know for me to sleep. Day by day, I got by. I rose in every morning even if I felt I don’t want to. I ate little by little. Music was also a good therapy for me. I listened to worship songs whenever I can. I also start to watch motivational videos that will inspire me. I followed a few tips for me to live by. I surrounded myself with people that makes me happy and gives me importance. I became grateful to them and saw that they genuinely care for me. I fought for my parents that support me all thru out. I fought because I don’t want them to be lonely because I was. As the days goes by, I started to feel better. I never really realized when did I started to feel okay. I just did. Certainly because of the help of people on my life.

23 lessons I learned in my 23 years of existence

 

  1. Take your time

As I lived my life, I am always thinking of what’s next, next move, next path, next everything. Once in my life, I forgot to live in the moment. I forgot to be right here. I forgot to live now. We tend to plan things ahead, yeah that’s good. But we forgot to appreciate the good things happening in our life right at this very moment. We forgot to acknowledge our feelings now because we cling on the past and look eagerly for the future. Be present. Be in the moment. Every second is important. Cherish it.

  1. People come and go

We meet a lot of people in our journey but a few will stay. Some of them you will meet in a bus and keep you talking but that will be the first and last time that you’ll meet him/her. Some people will be significant to you but will only serve as a lesson for you to learn for your growth. Some people come to destroy you, hate you or put you down yet they will still go. Some people are meant to stay because they decided to stay.

  1. What you don’t have now, you don’t need now.

I am a believer that God gives us all the things and people we need in our lives now. Need is so much different to want. We tend to look for things we don’t need just to satisfy our pride. I learned that I have everything in my life if I see that my happiness is just found in God’s peace.

  1. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

The deeper that scar, the visible the mark. Mark your failures and learn from them. All problems and past lonely experiences I faced in my life made me who I am today. It made me wiser and know more about myself. Being strong is not an option but a necessity. There will come a time that you will feel that you’re at the rock bottom but no, you are not there yet. Life will always challenge you. It is your choice to win or to fail in it.

  1. A lot can happen in a year.

365 days is faster than you can think. Your life can change in it. The things you love can fade in it. The problems you have will probably doesn’t matter after 12 months. You can change your life in a single year but always change for the better, for what will make you happier.

  1. Be yourself. Be Unique. Love yourself.

Treat yourself as if you are the most special person in your world and you’ll realize how amazing you are. There came to a time that I hated the person that I become. I am swallowed by my insecurities and doubts. I tried hiding everything into a mask that people expects me to be, a person they want to see in me but in doing that I felt lost. I felt living a lie and someone’s life. But when I hung on a little tighter to my faith and start believing that I can go back to the person who I respected and loved, I was found. I felt free on my own skin and true to myself. I begin to love myself again. Love yourself; don’t expect anyone to do that for you.

  1. Love is always kind.

I always hear the song “Love Hurts.” I beg to disagree with that. Love is the only kind of feeling that is truly kind. You know what hurts? Fear does. Insecurity does. Often people misunderstand love as the one keeps hurting and giving them heart aches. But I believe that true love is the cure above all. Next time you start questioning if Love is truly kind, bear in mind Who love is, GOD.

  1. It’s okay to say no.

When I was younger, I learned to say “Yes” to a lot in order to experience things out of my comfort zone. But I got a little too far, I say yes to things that I don’t really like doing out of peer pressure. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to disappoint your friends once in a while. It’s okay to be different sometimes. Scratch that, No. All the time. Be different. Stay different.

  1. Never expect anything from anyone.

Never expect to earn respect and love from the people whom you give those things to. Let them feel it towards you because they decide to give it to you. Never expect anything in return. When I expected people to be there for me as I was to them, I nearly killed myself when I came to realized it doesn’t work that way. I ended up being crushed. Be kind and love people because you want to, not because you want them to do that for you in return. I remembered a quote saying if you give something without expecting anything in return is called kindness. Otherwise, it’s business.

  1. Money is hard to earn. Save it.

I am great spender of money. I am an impulsive buyer, still. I tend to realize the importance of money when I was the one earning it. I must admit that I spent my parent’s money mindlessly for my pleasure and not saved it for the future. Now, that I am older I realize to prioritize and save. Be wise and start your future by thinking ahead.

  1. Happiness is a choice.

Happiness is a state of mind, not a feeling. When you believe that everything is going to be okay in a stormy day in your life, that’s how you find peace and happiness. Our faith is our true joy. If you believe that you will go through it, you will.

  1. Travel is the best kind of investment.

Going to places enables you to experience and discover different things such as food, culture and people. In doing that, you will also discover a lot about yourself, your likes and dislikes, your fears and limits. It gives you a sense of refreshing everything after a lot of things happening in your life. When I travel, it always feel like going out of my routine world for a while and actually start enjoying life. Travel is life.

  1. Speak the truth but in the tongue of love.

I am a shit talker. I tend to say bad things. Honestly, I say things different from the way I think. People spend time saying things that can hurt others because they tend to see themselves in their ways. Hate invites hate. Love attracts love. Speak with tact. I learned that the words spoken can never be erased nor forgotten once it hurt someone. We should always say what we mean and mean what we say. Always examine if it is the truth, it is necessary and kind. Words are powerful, use it wisely.

  1. My parents only wants what is best for me.

When I was younger, I saw my parents as the killers of my joy. They prevent me to do the things I want and they just want to experience autonomy in my life. As I grew older, I failed in small tasks and encountered painful heart aches. One of the common denominators in those times was I have my parents to guide and support me. Yes, they are still bitching with me, lecturing me about their past and life lessons. I realized they had been here, they know the norms. We need to trust and love them as much as we could.

  1. Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes things fall into places where we don’t want it to be. Some bad things happen because it just meant to happen. All the things that is happening in our daily lives has a purpose, we might not know it yet. Sometimes, life gets a little tough and we feel like it’s the end of the world, that we can never be as happy again. When I realized that everything will fall unto place at the right time and right place, I became happier. I am happier. When you realize that God won’t give challenges you can’t handle, I became free. When you know everything has its purpose, you become more hopeful and faithful.

  1. Trust your instincts.

When your mind tells you something is wrong, believe it. Trust your mind and protect yourself from harm. My greatest battles that I failed is because I didn’t trust my instinct. It’s as if my mind gives me a signal, a warning that I am in danger. Follow your gut. Allow the power in you flourish and make use of it. Your gut may not be always true, but it’s often are. Believe me.

  1. The only person you can change is yourself.

You can inspire others to change, but you can’t make them change. People change because they want to, not because you want them to. Everyone has their subconscious will. They will do what they want to do. Don’t try to change someone. I assure you, you will never succeed. Love them for who they are. Love them not because of what they are willing to change about themselves for your happiness but because they deserve your love and you want to become better because of them and vice versa. Everyone is looking for the one; but a few is striving to be the One.

  1. Gratitude can make you a lot happier.

People are never satisfied. Contentment is not usually in our vocabulary. We always want what is new, latest gadgets, new clothes and try a newly opened restaurant. That’s great. But we often forgot to be grateful for what we have, the things in our hands at the moment, the things that is present in our lives, the people that within our reach. We think we will be happier if we attain things out of our sight. But in doing so most of the time, the excitement will fade. The new will be old. The latest will be outdated. The chased stranger will become an annoying lover. Always, always love the present, the now, the here.

  1. Privacy is important.

Not everything in your life should be out in the world. Not everyone deserves a piece of you, Not everyone should know the things happening in your life. We reserve information about us that are special and valuable. We should create boundaries. Some people are just mere spectators not friends. Value yourself by defining lines between fakes and real jewels. Keep things private. Live life in peace.

  1. Never give the key to your happiness in a person, a thing or a job. Keep it in your heart.

Happiness should come from within. Live to stand alone for your own. You deserve all the happiness that the world could possibly offer.

  1. You cannot please everyone.

You cannot make everyone like you. You may ask why. It is because we are all different, different values, cultures and belief. Once you practice and understand empathy, you will learn to live life out of the thoughts of people around you.

  1. The sea makes me happy.

It is the part of nature that I love the most. It brings me the kind of solitude and calmness. Seeing the infinite line between that highest and lowest of the Earth will always make my heart warm.

  1. I am princess because I am the daughter of the KING and I deserve the best.

God is everything. You need not to have everything just to know you are a royalty. We just have to realize that we are God’s children for us to realize everyone deserves love and respect.

A letter for my bestfriend

This is what you deserve, my dear. You deserve nothing but kind words from a man who appreciates your beauty and worth. You deserve affection when days become sturdy and difficult because you are a fighter in every season. You deserve to be treated to be a queen that you are, not a princess to be rescued in a tower, since you are independent and rules her own kingdom of mind. You deserve kindness since you are kind. You deserve to be a priority because you are one of the few people that can makes someone feel important even they believe they are not. You deserve someone who will motivate you to be the best version of yourself and not someone will make you feel bad about yourself. You deserve someone who value your existence and enjoys it. You deserve someone who will pattern his life just to be with you. You deserve to be included to his plans and wishes to be yours one day since he’s scared of losing you. You deserve someone who is loyal and trustworthy because you are keeper. You deserve someone who will make you trust in love again and will make you realize why things turned out the way they were, the good and bad. Please don’t settle with the love you don’t deserve. Please find a way to be happy because you are amazing and any guy will be lucky to have you. Love will always find a way to people who deserves it. And Honey, I know you are one of them.

Self Inflicted bullet

How can you escape the bullet when you are the one holding the gun? How can you cry for help when all you do is beat yourself up? How can you survive when you don’t want to? I never needed to know the answers. I just leave it where it should be. Hide it somewhere. It will never found again. Lost with my nightmares and memories. Replaced by wisdom and prayers.

Lalaland

I watched Lalaland on its first day screening in the big screen. It made me curious that it is one hell of a recognized and rated film. I even said that I am going to watch it alone if no one wants to join me. But luckily someone is merciful enough to accompany me. The movie is great! Wola to 7 Golden Globes win for the love of owl. It is a typical love story with dreams,dance and romance. They have a good production. The vibe of the movie is like you were trapped in the 80’s movie with I phones in it,characters possess passion for the arts,music and theater to be exact. And a love story with a rightful and realistic ending. What will you chose? Your most chased dream or the love of your life? Me? I will always chose love. Always. 

Then. 

When someone asks to court me, I always say are you sure? You don’t know what you’re putting yourself into. He will usually insist. Then I will give him a chance. Then always prove me right in the end. That he can’t. They just can’t handle me and all my other personalities. I am possessive,brat,childish and attention seeker. One thing about me is I am not good at lying. I usually get caught when I tell lies so I prefer to tell the truth. You can read me like a bold times new roman. Thus, I hate lies. I always say that just say upright truth than to tell lies. I will give you my one hundred percent trust but once I caught you lying that will be the beginning of your misery. I will become suspicious,insecure, demanding and everything that you don’t want me to be. I am strangely random girl who will crack fights in the middle of the street and kiss you sorrys the minute after. I am lunatic. Like my sister Tay used to describe herself,”Cause baby,I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” So darling,save yourself. Save yourself from me.